Lifetime Of Sorrow
by Suemagill
Summary: Cameron leaves for Chicago after the baby fiasco
1. Default Chapter

LIFETIME OF SORROW.  
  
  
  
Chapter one  
  
  
  
Life has a way of coming up and slapping you in the face. At least that's what Cameron felt. He could never run away from his past. He messed up everything he touched. His love for Amanda came close to being the one thing he did right. If only some parts of Boca Lynda hadn't happened. It was there that he had realized just how deep his love for her was, and that was good but then he blew it. Why hadn't he stopped the moment he knew it was Josie and not his beloved Amanda, can grief really cause a person to act that way? 'I don't think so' he said aloud. 'I don't think so'. Well I must carry on, the love is gone, Amanda will never forgive me nor will I forgive myself. So I can't blame her. We both have to cleanse our souls of each other. We can get past this; it just won't be easy.  
  
As he rounded the park one more time, running had not cleared his mind. Coming to the turn to the hill, he passed on by, knowing going up there today would be much too painful. That was their place, and the closest to Amanda, but he was going to get over this. Right? Going there would be like pouring salt into a wound. So he ran towards home, feeling the need to shower and sleep, maybe for weeks. Escape would be good; maybe I should leave town for a while. Stripping down to his shorts, he started the shower, turned on the radio and jumped in. The hot water felt good, soothing to his aching bones and heart. His tears mixing with the water, no one would know he had a heart of mush. Keep up the stony front, let no one invade that cool demeanor and life would be easy. Never again would he put his heart on the line. He had learned a very valuable lesson. He got out of the shower and toweling off he pulled on sweat pants and lay down on the bed and promptly fell into a deep, restless sleep.  
  
Upon waking the next morning he set into motion leaving town, he had paid his rent this month and they had first and last months, so if he didn't get back he'd be covered. He would leave a note for the landlord on the table just in case. He packed up what few clothes he had. He went to the picture of Amanda and himself, deciding whether to leave it or torture himself by taking it. He figured maybe someday he could look at it and not feel pain but fond memories of what might have been. He grabbed it and her ring; he placed them in the bottom of the suitcase. Glancing around the room he had sought refuge in, he said goodbye and quickly closed the door on this part of his life.  
  
After purchasing a ticket for the bus, it couldn't be traced as easily as a plane ticket. An easy get away. He wanted to cause no one pain anymore and it would be days before anyone knew he had left. He would call Gary in a few weeks, if he would take the call and just let him know he was alive. This leaving was a good thing. A new town, and a new chance at moving on.  
  
"Bus 28 for Chicago is leaving in 15 minutes, please check your bags and get ready to board." A metallic voice over the load speaker announced.  
  
Well, it was going to happen, he was off to a new life.  
  
Settling into his seat by the window, he could watch the miles pass, away from his true love. He was saving her from him and this made him happy. It would take a long while before he could think of her and not want to burst into tears, as a single tear slowly traced it's way down his cheek, blending into the condensation on the bus window. Cameron closed his eyes and tried to sleep. After an hour of restlessness he knew it was going to be impossible to sleep. The seats on the bus were not that comfortable. Pulling out some paper from his brief case, he penned a letter that maybe someday he would send to Amanda.  
  
'Dear One, As you receive this letter I am far away. Please continue reading. I will not interfere in your life anymore. I will not try to contact you. I just wanted to ask one more time that somewhere in your soul could you forgive me? I know what we did to you and Gary is unforgivable, and the truth I knew would come out. If I had only trusted in our love, we might be on our way to making our new life. But I didn't, and I can't take any of it back. I am tired of 'if only's'. But Amanda, I do still love you and I believe I always will. Take it for what it is, an honest statement. Yes, I know you probably can't believe me but I will never make that mistake again. Please, take care of yourself, and be happy. One-day maybe we could meet again as friends. I love you.' Cameron  
  
After re-reading the letter, he folded it and placed it in the slot of his briefcase that held her picture. He pulled it out and looked at it, and on the back she had written 'To Cameron Sinclair, all my love always, Amanda Cory. And around it drew a heart. Talking quietly to the photo he said, 'Oh for those first few weeks before we knew about the baby when all we had to handle was the knowledge of Josie and me on the beach. You had been able to forgive that. We were on our way.'  
  
Pressing it close to his heart he thought, we could have been happy. But so much had happened. Now he had lost Amanda, Gary, his son and the only life he had been truly happy with. Because God knows the life before jail had been one nightmare after another. And even prison was no picnic. But he had had a chance and he blew it. Well there was no use wallowing in all that again; I have to get moving on. Placing the picture back in front of the letter, he settled down and stared out the window.  
  
To be continued. 


	2. Chapter Two

CHAPTER TWO  
  
  
  
After six long hours, the bus pulled into the station at Chicago. Cameron gathered his briefcase, his jacket and stepped off the bus. He went into the lobby to wait for his suitcase. He wasn't sure of where to go. It should be fairly easy to get a job and fade out of sight in a big city. First off he had to find a place to crash, and then he could find a job. He didn't have many skills except for private eye work and the training at Quantico might land him a job in security administration at some business. But that was on the agenda for tomorrow. Passing the counter where they were unloading the luggage, he spotted his and grabbed it and turned to start his new life.  
  
Walking out on the street he passed a newspaper stand and bought several papers to look for housing and work. He looked for a diner to get some coffee and food. Walking several blocks he spotted a café and went in. He placed his stuff on the bench across from him, slid into the seat and picked up a menu. Smiling at the waitress he gave her his order and he opened the Chicago Sun Times. He turned to the back where the rentals were and began his search. The waitress brought his order and asked him if there was anything else she could do for him.  
  
"Well, I'm new in town and need a place to rent. Got any ideas?" Figuring she would blow him off but was very surprised when she gave him an answer.  
  
"Well mister, my sister has a room for rent, $200.00 a month with kitchen privileges. Might you be interested in that? It's a little out of town, but the bus goes by the end of the road. It's a really nice place."  
  
"Could I have your sisters number, and I'll check it out at least. Thanks."  
  
"No problem, you'd like my sister she's real nice. But I have tell you she's blind, so I don't tell everyone about her place, somebody might take advantage of her, but you seem really nice not like some city people." She wrote the telephone number on a napkin, and handed it to him.  
  
"Well thanks for the vote of confidence. This sounds like a plan. I'll get hold of your sister, can I say you sent me?'"  
  
"She'll know it was me because she doesn't advertise."  
  
"Great, thanks a lot, you have saved my day. My name is Frank Cameron by the way. Nice to meet you, (looking at her nametag) Callie. What is your sister's name?" he figured he would go by his alias so no one could find him. The Cory's and Josie were about the only ones who knew he went by that name and they certainly wouldn't come looking for him.  
  
"Clara Butler. My parents named all the kids with the letter C; there is a Charles and a Clarence too. Well I have to get back to work, see you."  
  
"Bye, thanks for the information." Cameron still looked for a place just in case this one was too far out. He circled a few and finished his coffee. He closed the paper and ate the rest of his sandwich and looked up at Callie for the bill. She brought it over and wished him luck, and said she hoped to see him again.  
  
"Thanks, Callie and sure I'll stop back, and I'll let you know about the place." He paid the bill and left a good tip and went out into the cool air. He found a payphone and dialed Clara's number.  
  
"Hello", a very pleasant voice on the other end said.  
  
"Hello, my name is Frank Cameron. I just got into town and your sister said I should call you about the room."  
  
"Yes, Callie already called and said she gave a nice man my number so I was expecting your call. Did she tell you how much the room is? You'd have kitchen privileges and it has a bathroom off the room."  
  
"Yes, she did, do you think I could come out today? I really need a place to stay and I'd like to get a jump on it."  
  
"Sure, the address is 458 Gulf Road and its back into the woods. Not far from the main road but enough so you think you're in the country."  
  
"I'll be there as soon as I can get a cab. Thanks for letting me come so soon."  
  
"Not a problem Mr. Cameron. See you soon. Goodbye."  
  
"Bye." As he hung up the phone he had the strongest urge to call Amanda, but thought better of it if he wanted a clean break. (Which he didn't but it really was best for Amanda.) Oh this is not going to be easy. I need you. He said to the phone as he banged it back into the cradle. How am I ever to survive without her? Well, settle and get busy. He looked up to see a cab coming right for him. He waved his hand and it slowed, He got in and said, "458 Gulf Road".  
  
"Right" the cabby, said.  
  
He drove about twenty minutes out and turned up a long driveway that indeed acted like the country. He stopped in front of a cabin like house and the cab driver asked if he should stay. " No, I'll catch the bus if I don't take the place." And gave the cabby a twenty and told him to keep the change. The house was wet from the drizzle that had been obsessive these last few days. The place looked like it could use a handyman. It was welcoming, sort of like home, without the memories. Knocking on the door he waited, he could see shadows inside, Clara Butler didn't have any lights on. It seemed from the outside like a nice place. She opened the door and he was taken aback, she was so much like Amanda that it took his breath away.  
  
"Hello, Mr.Cameron?"  
  
"Yes, Ms. Butler, it's me. How do you do?"  
  
"Well I'm fine, pleased to meet you. Won't you come in."  
  
"Thanks. You were right it does feel like the country. Very nice and still so close to the city."  
  
"I like it here, I was raised back east and this smells like home." Clara made her way back to the kitchen where she had made coffee and set out cookies. 'Please sit and have some coffee and we can talk."  
  
After chatting for over an hour Cameron stood to stretch, he had ridden six hours and was anxious to make a decision. "Thanks for the coffee. This place is really not too far out, I expected the boonies. But it's really nice here, I noticed though the yard could stand some attention, I'd be happy to help out, for say a $50 break on the rent."  
  
"Well you haven't even seen the room yet, Mr. Cameron. Maybe you won't want it." Sensing his urgency to get going.  
  
"Well, I just have a feeling that this is my home now and I'll take it, but I will go look anyway." They climbed the stairs and Clara opened a door to a large room sparsely furnished with a bed and a love seat and a dresser. And a window as big as the great outdoors.  
  
"Well, Mr. Cameron. What do you think? I'll agree to the rent reduction and throw in Sunday dinner. Will you take it?" Clara said with all the ease of an old friend.  
  
"Well for the view alone I'll take it." Looking sheepishly said. "Sorry, that was rude."  
  
"Not at all, it has a wonderful view and you can see the stars from here. In the city the get lost. I have only recently lost my sight and this was my favorite room, I moved to the back of the house, where it doesn't matter what I look at. I can sell the room with the view alone and the window is large enough so you can exit to the little terrace. Well, still game, Mr. Cameron?"  
  
"Game."  
  
"Great! Want to move in? I know Callie said you needed a place now. You can pay month to month. There's no need for a lease so you can go whenever. Welcome to my home." Clara said, turning to show him the bathroom. The bath is here; it's private so you won't have to share. I hope you'll be happy. I"ll let you freshen up; you can join me for dinner this evening until you get some food stores of your own. I eat at seven. Please feel free to join me, but you don't have too. We can discuss the grounds tomorrow.  
  
"Yes, I'd like to move in, I have just my suitcase. I'd like to join you for dinner and we can discuss arrangements then, but I really need a shower. Thank you Ms. Butler."  
  
She left the room and he closed the door. Happy, she said, if she only knew how his heart was breaking. Maybe having someone who looked for all the world like Amanda wouldn't work, but the room with the view made up for it, at least for now. He jumped in the shower and washed away the road dust. Oh, he hoped he was making the right choice. Time away, from life and all it's sorrows would heal the wounds. He laid down for a nap. He had been in such turmoil that sleep was deep. He awoke in a sweat; he had been having a nightmare of his childhood and the torment from his dad. He looked at his watch and it was going for ten, he would have to explain to Ms. Butler that he'd fallen asleep. He walked to the window and opened it, the air was cool against his sweaty body, and it felt good. The stars were hiding and he could only see a few but the memories of the hill came flooding back. That first night while jogging and he had seen this angel. Then the night Amanda had sprained her ankle, and he had held her in his arms all the while she fought him. He loved every minute. And then the proposal, when they thought the world was their oyster. Man, every thing reminded him of Amanda. Would these memories ever go away? Not if you're lucky, that little voice in his head said. He looked up at the sky and said to the stars, 'Please watch over my love, keep her safe from harm. Let her find the peace she seeks and give her the strength to go on. Let her one-day have fond memories of me. Please, this is all I ask.' Turning away from the window he lay back on the bed and fell back to sleep.  
  
On the hill in Bay City, Amanda is looking at those same stars, 'Oh Cameron, what went wrong, why couldn't you trust me? I miss the way things used to be. You hurt me, if you could only understand how much it took for me to forgive you, and then you walked all over that trust.' The tears flowed freely; she hadn't been able to really cry. Everyone had expected her to be strong, from her mother to Gary, to Alli. She had been there for everyone and no one was there for her. Cameron was so devastated by the death of the baby; even her reaching out to him had gone unnoticed. She wept. 'Please help me to get over this, I need to move on.' She said to the stars. She felt a rush of cool air blow across her cheek, soft, like a kiss. She felt that Cameron was thinking of her. It was going to be difficult to see him; it was hard to fall out of love. Well she would handle the situation as it arose. She turned for home and that breeze followed her.  
  
To be continued. 


	3. Chapter Three

CHAPTER THREE  
  
  
  
Waking from a troubled sleep, Cameron felt as though he hadn't slept in days. Not good if he was going to look for work that day. Stepping into the shower, he left the water cool so it would wake him. Toweling off he put on the only suit he owned, save the tuxedo he left back home in the closet, brushed his hair and teeth and went downstairs to see if Ms. Butler would give him coffee. Much to his surprise she had a full breakfast laid out for him, and she was sitting, waiting.  
  
"Good morning Mr. Cameron, I trust you slept well. When you didn't come down for dinner, I expected you were short on sleep. I took the liberty of fixing you breakfast, you must be famished." Getting up to take the plates from the warming oven.  
  
"I slept fine, I'm sorry about being a no-show for dinner, I guess I was more tired than I realized." Sitting down to the table, he placed a napkin on his lap and stirred his coffee. "This is really too much, I appreciate it though. I am starved. How did you know I was up?"  
  
"Well when I heard the water running, I gave you 5 minutes and then made breakfast. Without my sight, the pump coming on sounds louder to me than to others. And being a man you wouldn't take long to shower and dress. I hope it tastes okay."  
  
"It tastes great, thank you. I'll go to the store today and get some stuff. Where should I keep it?"  
  
"I left you a shelf in the cupboard here," pointing to the row of doors that must have been a wall pantry. "And the second shelf in the refrigerator is yours. If you need more room please check with me because I know exactly where everything is and something out of place would throw me. I hope this isn't too difficult for you."  
  
"I think it will be plenty of room. I'm job searching today and will eat out. I hope to be back before dark. Do I have a key?"  
  
"Yes, it's on the hall table. Good luck looking for work, I must get to mine. I'll see you later. Leave the dishes; I'll do them after work. Bye." With that Clara left the house and Cameron was left alone with his thoughts.  
  
This was going to work out, he felt. Ms. Butler seemed really nice and caring. If only she didn't remind him of Amanda, this would be perfect. Finishing up his meal and rinsing off the dishes, he picked up his key and left to look for work.  
  
He went into several businesses and placed an application and they all said they would get back to him. It didn't sound good. He walked what seemed like miles when he passed a construction site. He wondered if he could find work there. It would be good money and the hard work and sweat would be good for his soul. He walked to the trailer marked 'FOREMAN' and knocked. When granted permission to enter, he quickly realized he was way overdressed. But no matter, he needed work. "I was wondering if you had work? I'm new in town and not afraid of doing a hard days work. My name is Frank Cameron."  
  
"As a matter of fact I just had two guys quit. Sissy types. They wanted the money but were afraid to work. Ever done this kind of thing before?"  
  
"Well actually, I have but it was in prison. I figured I would tell you that up front. I was released last year. I've worked with the FBI and later as a private detective back east. I'm on the up and up. I really need work. I just moved to Chicago, and have rented a place."  
  
"I don't really care about your record, I just need someone to fill in for four weeks. Think you can do it?" "Sure thing, want me to start today?" Cameron asked.  
  
"Not in that suit I don't. No it's too late today, come back tomorrow morning at six and I'll get you set up. Thanks a lot Frank. My name is Chuck Butler."  
  
"You don't have sisters Clara and Callie do you?" Cameron asked.  
  
"Yeah, how'd you know?"  
  
"Seems that your family are my guardian angels. I went into your sister's diner and she hooked me up with Clara. I'm renting her room, and I happen to walk by here and whammy! Now I have a job with the brother. Now how about Clarence? How's he gonna figure into my life?" Cameron said, laughing.  
  
"Sure is a small world. Welcome aboard. Must be my sisters like you cause they don't offer or give, without trust. And my brother Clarence is a lawyer.  
  
" I'm not sure how he'll figure in, but I appreciate your giving me a job. I'll see you tomorrow. Bye Chuck."  
  
"Bye Frank."  
  
Walking to the corner market he picked up a few days worth of groceries and stuff for lunches, and his mind wandered. He avoided letting it go to Bay City. He had had a full day looking for work and was tired. He thought, I have a place to live and a job. Now if I can work hard enough, long enough, I can cleanse myself of my memories. With that he caught the bus and traveled back to his room.  
  
After several weeks of working, Cameron would get home late and leave early. He hardly saw Clara. But all his hard work wouldn't stop the dreams at night. The view from the window was his saviour. It was the one place he could watch the stars and think of Amanda and know that maybe she would look at those same stars and think of him. Time was not helping to heal his wounds. He just couldn't forget. He was glad he had brought Amanda's picture with him, although she was emblazoned on his heart. Why did he have to be such a cad? Why couldn't he trust in their love? He guessed it was because everyone who had ever meant anything to him had hurt him. And then this angel appeared. She offered this perfect love and he stepped all over it. Only to lose everything anyway. Funny how life was, with all its twists and turns. This was not going to be a night where sleep was restful. He could just tell. He tossed and turned all night. At five a.m. he finally got up and sat by the window. How was he ever going to make it through the day? He showered and grabbed a bite to eat and left for the job site. Chuck was there and he and 'Frank' shared a cup of coffee and talked about the job, which was just about finished. Chuck had offered to take him on the next job about fifty miles away. He'd have to get a truck but figured that wouldn't cause too much of a problem. As the rest of the crew showed up, Cameron went to his post up on the frame of the building and proceeded to weld the joints on the 'I' beams. His mind was wandering to everywhere but the job at hand. So He did not see the crane coming his way with the steel beam. Finally realizing that he was being screamed at, Cameron looked up just in time to see the beam slam into him.  
  
Chuck rushed over to where 'Frank' was laying after falling twenty feet to the concrete. He feared he was dead. There was blood gushing from his head wound and his body was lifeless. 911 had been called and Chuck could hear the sirens. It seemed to take forever, but in real time only about ten minutes. The EMS crews worked on stabilizing 'Frank' and took him off to the emergency room with Chuck following when he arrived at the hospital, the nurse wouldn't give him too much information, only that they were still working on him. She wanted background, next of kin, etceteras. All Chuck knew was that he had a prison record a fact he kept to himself. 'Frank' seemed like good people and unless absolutely necessary, he would keep quiet.  
  
"Sorry miss, I hired him as temp help and didn't do a background check. He just moved here and is renting a room from my sister. Maybe she knows something. I'll get in touch with her and let you know. Didn't he have a wallet?" "Yes, but there isn't anything in there but a hundred dollars and a picture of a woman. No license or any information. Anything you come up with would help. Thank you."  
  
"Sure thing. I'll call Clara now,"pointing to the phone. She nodded her permission.  
  
" Hello Clara, its Chuck. Frank has been seriously injured and he has no information in his wallet and I never did a background on him. Anything you can tell me? No? Darn, well I'll be here till I know something more; I'll keep you informed. Bye."  
  
To the nurse he said "Sorry, she doesn't know anything about him. She's blind so she can't search his stuff. The bill will be covered by my insurance so just fix him. We'll worry about the rest later."  
  
At that point a doctor in operating scrubs came up to the desk and asked for information on Mr. Cameron. At this point the nurse introduced Dr. Jones to Chuck. And Chuck told the doctor the same thing he had told the nurse, that he didn't' know anything about his background.  
  
"We are going to have to take him to surgery. He has swelling that needs draining and a shunt put in. His condition is touch and go besides the head injury, he has broken his collarbone and ribs. He's mighty lucky he didn't snap his back. Let us know if you do find something out. His next of kin should be notified, just in case. I have to run."  
  
Somewhere in his deep, dark memories Cameron is running, running up to the hill, watching over all of Bay City. Seeing Amanda, Gary going about their lives, he thought, how strange, they seem so real but I feel so light. He turned to go down the hill, there were his Mom and the 'Old Man' and Gary Jr. was between them. Oh God, I must be dead. What is happening? AMANDA DON'T LET ME GO he screamed, and that was the last memory he had. As things started to slip away he fought to stay coherent.  
  
To be continued.. 


	4. Chapter Four

CHAPTER FOUR  
  
  
  
After weeks of laying in a coma, he was slowly coming back. He awoke to Doctors calling out for Frank. He didn't realize they were talking to him. He opened his green eyes and opened them to look at strangers. He didn't know who this Frank person was. Maybe the guy in the next bed, but they were looking at him. He figured it must be him. He just couldn't remember.  
  
"Frank, that's right, open your eyes, wake up. Do you know where you are?" Doctor Jones said.  
  
Looking from one face to another Cameron was slowly becoming uneasy, who were these people and where was he. His head and body ached miserably. "No" he said quietly.  
  
"Frank, it's Chuck Butler, how are you doing, buddy?"  
  
"Who are you?" Cameron asked "and who is Frank?" Chuck, who was very concerned, looked to the doctor for guidance.  
  
"This is common with amnesia. You took quite a blow to the head and you have been in a coma for weeks. Do you remember anything?" the doctor asked.  
  
"The last thing I remember is running on a hill. I don't know who I am. I'm scared. Who are all of you?" Cameron was starting to panic.  
  
"Well, Mr. Butler here says you are Frank Cameron and you worked for him in construction. You had an accident and broke some bones and hit your head, which is causing the amnesia. You went through surgery to relieve the pressure and we placed a shunt in to drain the fluid."  
  
"Yeah, Frank, remember you just moved here from back east. You didn't share too much of your life so I can't help you with that and we can't find your family." Chuck said trying to be helpful.  
  
"No I don't remember anything" he tried to turn but was unable because of his broken collarbone. Wincing in pain, the distress showed on his face. He wanted to run but couldn't move. He was strapped into this bed. He tried to remain calm and was fighting for every ounce of courage he could muster.  
  
"Let's let him rest. He's had a lot to contend with." To Cameron he said, "Frank, just rest. The nurses are outside the door, just holler if you need anything. But most important, sleep."  
  
'Frank' closed his eyes, feeling very afraid and alone. He tried to remember anything, but all he came up with was him running to a hill and looking at the stars, the thought of the stars seemed to calm him so he imagined all the times he must have gazed up at them. Slipping into a deep sleep he was running, running and just out of his reach was a woman with blond hair. He didn't know what this meant but there was sorrow around her, his mother maybe or possibly a wife. Waking after several hours, he asked silently, Oh God what are you doing to me? He hoped that time would work these things out.  
  
Weeks passed and his bones were healing but his memory was not coming back. He had been in very grueling physical therapy, which he would need to continue at home. Home, wherever that was. He needed to remember. Frustration was at it's highest. There was no one who knew him before Chicago. He was being released soon and he would go to Chuck's sister's place. They told him he had been renting there. Time would tell if he ever would regain his mind. It would be awhile before he could even think about going back to work. So until then he was stuck. He continued to have the same dream of running towards this blond. He had come to the conclusion that it was not his mother. But who was she? He knew she had to have been important or why would she invade even his amnesia state? Trying to remember was very taxing. It exhausted him. He just wished that whatever semblance of life he had had before would return. The Butlers were very nice people and this helped. He needed to trust in someone.  
  
So after several more days in the hospital, he went home to Clara's. He could walk, but it was very exhausting. He went up to his room. There was nothing there he remembered. His clothes were unfamiliar; nothing jogged his memory. He lay down on his bed and prayed for divine intervention. Please God let me remember something, I am sure that it will start the ball rolling. Please help me to know what the significance is of running on the hill and memory of this woman. Let me see her face. Give me a sign. Sleep wouldn't come. He couldn't even dream. All he had to remember was his time in the hospital. He hated his life. He closed his eyes. Wanting to be anyone but Frank Cameron, whoever he was. What is my story? Tomorrow I will search through my things. Maybe something will jog my memory. Popping his medicine, one of which was a sleeping pill, would help. After an hour he fell asleep.  
  
The next morning he was extremely sore, he'd overdone it walking up the stairs. He knew he couldn't take a shower but he went into the bathroom to wash up. Looking at himself, he didn't know who that was in the mirror. He opened the cabinet and looked at his stuff, shaving cream, Old Spice after-shave, and toothpaste. None of it, not even smelling the Old Spice seemed familiar. He had heard the Doctors say that sometimes smells would trigger a memory. 'Well I didn't pass that test.' He stared for a long while at his reflection. Giving up he went in search of something in his room that might hold the key. A briefcase was in one of the drawers, and he opened it to find a few papers and a cell phone. He didn't see the compartment on the lid that held the picture of Amanda and him and the letter he had written. They had slid down just out of sight. He closed the lid and searched out his wallet; in there he found a hundred dollars and a picture of a beautiful blond woman. The woman from his dream. To the picture he said, 'Who are you? What is our connection, you have invaded my mind, you probably hold the key to my existence.'  
  
"Who are you talking to Frank? I didn't know you had company." Clara said from the doorway.  
  
"No one, just the picture of this woman in my wallet, She must know me, but I can't remember her, I faintly see her in my dreams but she is always going away from me. I wish I could remember something. This is driving me batty. Can I help you?" 'Frank' asked.  
  
"I just came to tell you breakfast was ready and did you want to try to come down or I'll bring it up here."  
  
"I'll try downstairs but we'll see about lunch. Okay? I'll be down as soon as I can muster the strength. Thank you for all you are doing, I am a complete stranger, even to myself. Thank you for being nice.  
  
"Not at all, Our family can read people pretty well and we have this feeling about you.  
  
  
  
Back in Bay City  
  
Several weeks after Cameron had left, Amanda realized that he was indeed gone and wouldn't be returning. She had heard through Gary that the landlord had contacted him as to the whereabouts of his brother. He had called her to see if Cameron had told her he was leaving. He hadn't. He just walked away, he had threatened to enough times but she really didn't believe he would do it. Funny, she missed him. After all that had happened between them, she thought she would never get over it. It had been about two months since Gary Jr. had died, and she had reached out to help him. He was hard to interpret; he had so much pent-up hurt inside that he couldn't release. If only she had come to her senses sooner, he would still be here and they could work on a new beginning.  
  
She hated 'if only's'. They never got anyone anywhere, but everyone uses them all the time. She wished she had learned from her relationship with Sam. She wouldn't have made the same mistake with Cameron, but oh, how he had hurt her. She had asked him over and over about Josie's baby and he had blatantly lied to her. No matter the reason. He said he loved her. He should have trusted her. She would have been mad but not hurt and betrayed like she had ended up feeling. She was getting mad all over again. But you can't stay angry if you don't care, right? She would let him go. Right? But he was gone, no clue to where he was. And the way Gary had treated him, he certainly wouldn't get in touch with him. She didn't blame Cameron, what did he have in Bay City? Pain, anguish? Her family hated him and his own as well. 'Oh Cameron, at least call to let someone know where you're, I need to know you're okay.' What a mess this was. She really had no right to know about him. She had kicked him out of her life and had been cruel in some of the things she said. And ever stoic Cameron took all the sorrow on himself, one more time. She wished she could hold him. He had so much pain in his life, maybe that was why he had been driven to lie. To save the baby from the heartache that certainly would ensue if he was part of this mess. Why did she have to come to this conclusion now when nothing could be done about it? Gosh, I hate myself.  
  
'I need to go to the hill, he'll be there.' She said aloud as she grabbed her jacket. Walking in the cool evening the stars were unusually bright. She tried to find 'their star' as she walked but it eluded her. As she trekked up the last little knoll, she spotted it. 'Maybe somewhere Cameron was looking at it and missing me, too. I know he is for he made no bones of how he still felt about me, but I tossed it away.'  
  
She sat on the bench where Cameron proposed to her trying to regain the feeling of that night. It wasn't hard because deep down the love was there, she couldn't shake it. She guessed she really didn't want to. Their love had been instantaneous. She spotted him and he her and the sparks flew. Why did life have to get in the way? Key West had been bliss. He said he didn't ever want to leave there, she figured it was a safe haven for him. The troubles of the real world were replaced by happiness. That turned out to be a wonderful vacation. That time she had run away and he had found her.  
  
'That's what I'll do, I'll hire Gary to find him!' with that thought she knew that sleep would be peaceful. She would get her man. She would make everything right again.  
  
To be continued.. 


	5. Chapter Five

CHAPTER FIVE  
  
  
  
'Frank' was making slow progress; the drain they had put in was backing up causing him to have severe headaches. The doctors feared they would have to re-operate. A CAT scan showed there was still swelling. This was a major concern for his memory hadn't come back and going back in for more surgery might cause permanent amnesia. When he wasn't having headaches he searched his mind for something, anything that would let him recall his life. He searched his briefcase and even tore the lining out hoping for a hidden compartment. Inside he found a larger picture of the woman from his wallet and an engagement ring. 'Well, I missed this before. Who are you and was I going to ask you to marry me. I need to find you but I don't know your name.' He put her picture on his nightstand, letting her watch over him as he slept. He was doing that a lot lately. He could feel a headache coming on so he practiced deep breathing and relaxation, but to no avail; the pain was more intense this time, almost blinding. Clara wasn't home and he was so weak he couldn't get to a phone to call anyone. He lay down hoping he could get it under control. He turned on his side and stared at the beautiful angel in the picture. Wishing he knew her name, he decided to call her 'Princess, she had that regal bearing look of royalty. 'Oh Princess take this pain from me.' Slipping away, into a sleeplike coma, he just kept repeating 'Princess, Princess, Princess.'  
  
Several hours later Clara came home and found no signs that 'Frank' had been downstairs. The breakfast she had set out for him was still on the table, and the air felt stale, as if no one had interrupted it for a while. Climbing the stairs and quietly knocking on 'Frank's' door received no answer. She opened the door and called out to him. She walked to the bed and found a lifeless body on the bed. She placed her hand on his chest and found him breathing very shallowly and she shook him to rouse him out of his sleep. She was unsuccessful. She went to her room and called 911 and when she was sure they were on their way she called Chuck.  
  
"Chuck, it's me. I got home to find 'Frank' unresponsive. I called 911 and they should be here soon. Can you go to the hospital to be with him? I wish we knew where his family was, they should know."  
  
"I'll come over and stay with you till the paramedics come. Maybe I can find a clue in his stuff, I know we looked already but you never know. Maybe he found something and that didn't ring a bell. I'll be right there, Sis, hang in there." Clara hung up the phone and went back to check on 'Frank'. Finding him with no change, sat next to his bed to wait for Chuck.  
  
Chuck threw on his jacket and jumped in his truck to drive to Clara's just five minutes away. Arriving at Clara's he let himself in and ran upstairs to 'Frank's' room. He hugged Clara for reassurance, turning to 'Frank', tried to rouse him. Frank lay there with his eyes open but unresponsive. "Clara, you did the right thing. It looks like he slipped back into a coma. The best place for him is at Community General."  
  
"I'm glad you came. I was scared. He has been through so much and he needs his family."  
  
Chuck looked around the room and noticed the picture on his nightstand of the woman from his wallet. "There's an 8x10 of the girl from his wallet. He must have had it in his suitcase and I didn't notice it before. His briefcase is open, maybe there is a clue in there." Looking in the case he saw some papers and riffled through them. 'Nothing' he said slamming the lid down. At that moment the letter dislodged from the slot and fell out of the case. Chuck bent down to pick it up. Dear one, as you receive this.. Chuck read aloud. "Maybe we are getting somewhere, he obviously was in love. There's no name on the envelope though.  
  
"Well, we can give the picture to Clarence and maybe he can show it to some of his friends at the precinct. Is there anything else in there?"  
  
"Bingo, we have a name." Chuck said with curiosity in his voice.  
  
"What, something in the letter? Clara asked wishing for her sight back, wanting to see this woman.  
  
"Better. A picture of 'Frank' and the woman with writing on the back. To Cameron Sinclair from Amanda Cory, with love.  
  
"Cameron Sinclair? Must be 'Frank Cameron' I wonder why he changed his name?"  
  
"I guess 'Frank' has a story he didn't want us to know about. We'll have to wait until he decides to tell us."  
  
Just then the paramedics showed up and Chuck folded the letter and put it and the picture in his pocket. He would go see Clarence just as soon as 'Frank' was stable.  
  
Arriving at the hospital, Dr. Jones said that they would have to go back in to relieve the pressure, the shunt seemed to have plugged up and was backing up the fluid. He should be okay but time would tell. Chuck left to call Clara who had stayed home and told her to pray for 'Frank' Cameron Sinclair. He told her he would get in touch with Clarence and set him to finding his family.  
  
Calling Clarence, he asked him to help find Amanda Cory. He told him he had a picture and a letter for her. He asked him to send a cover letter explaining what had happened, asking her to inform his family. Clarence could give her the name of the hospital and Clara's phone number.  
  
"Sure thing, I'll get right on it. Maybe Amanda can bring him back from the abyss. I'll stop over for the picture and letter. I already punched her into the computer and found her. She lives in Bay City. She is the daughter of Rachel and Mac Cory, you know Cory publishing. Small world. They do that magazine Callie reads. See you in a few."  
  
  
  
  
  
Bay City  
  
Amanda woke to feeling Cameron's presence. She felt him in the room although there was no one there. A breeze came through the window and it sounded for the entire world like it was saying 'Princess' soft and low but gentle. 'Oh my Cameron, where are you, are you thinking of me? I'm right here come and find me.'  
  
Getting up she dressed quickly. Went downstairs and poured some coffee.  
  
"Good morning Mom, how are you?" Amanda said sipping on her cup.  
  
"Fine, dear you look terrible. Didn't you sleep well again? I'll listen if you would like to tell me about it"  
  
"Oh Mom I wouldn't know where to begin." Her voice trailing off as if she couldn't bring herself to say the words. "I miss him. Yes, I know he hurt me. And all of that, but I try to convince myself that it's over. I think about him all the time. He's in my soul Mom, what am I to do? Do you think I am crazy? Of course you do, I can see it in your eyes. But I can't shake this feeling. I think given time we might have worked things out but as you know he left and no one has heard from him for months. I'm going to go crazy. This morning I felt him so strong, I thought he had come back that he was in my room. And even the breeze is whispering to me. Oh Mom." Amanda burst into tears.  
  
Putting he arms around her sobbing daughter, she rubbed her back and spoke.  
  
"There, there honey, I didn't know you felt this way, you've hidden it well, I thought your pacing and sleeplessness was worry over Brava. But it was Cameron all along. The only thing I can think of to fix this is to find him. He wasn't my choice of a husband for you but you two seem to be meant for each other. When you're together, the world is right. I couldn't understand why you broke off your wedding until Cameron told me what had happened. I didn't blame you for you. You had to do what was best, but you both were miserable, I never saw two souls in such torment. But no one could tell you a thing until you figured it out for yourself. No one could tell me anything either, Grandma Ada, tried hard though." Rachel wiped Amanda's tears with her napkin.  
  
"Mom thank you for being here, understanding and loving me. Enough to let me falter but not fall. Where do I begin?"  
  
"Call Gary" they said in unison.  
  
"You know I came to that conclusion the other day, but Gary didn't return my call and I figured he wanted no more to do with me or Cameron. Mom, will you call him, he still likes you."  
  
"Sure, I'll do it now." Getting up to dial the phone when Claudia came in from the foyer with a manila envelope.  
  
Rachel turned to her said, "Claudia, thank you I was expecting that," turning to Amanda she said "Papers from Cass on the Cory trust fund for Paulina." As she put the receiver back, "it's busy, I'll try again later."  
  
"Mrs. Hutchins, this is for Miss Amanda." Claudia handed her the envelope and she left the room.  
  
"What on earth, it's registered from a Clarence Butler Esq. from Chicago. I don't know anyone in Chicago."  
  
"Well open it honey and find out." Rachel pouring another cup of coffee, and sat back down on the sofa.  
  
"Oh my God," Amanda said dropping the packet on her lap. She burst into tears.  
  
"What is it, dear?"  
  
"It's Cameron. he went to Chicago and was going by the name Frank Cameron. He had an accident and has amnesia. They aren't sure if he's going to make it. He won't know me, but I have to go. You understand don't you?"  
  
Rachel picked up the papers and re-reads the letter; "Honey, there's a letter from Cameron, in here too. Along with the picture you gave him. Thank God you put your name on it. That's how they found you. Handing the letter to her daughter she sat back down. Amanda took the letter to the window and opened it and read, 'Dear One, As you receive this letter I am far away. Please continue reading. I will not interfere in your life anymore. I will not try to contact you. I just wanted to ask one more time that somewhere in your soul could you forgive me? I know what we did to you and Gary is unforgivable, and I knew the truth would come out. If I had only trusted in our love, we might be on our way to making our new life. But I didn't, and I can't take any of it back. I am tired of 'if only's'. But Amanda, I do still love you and I believe I always will. Take it for what it is, an honest statement. Yes, I know you probably can't believe me but I will never make that mistake again. Please, take care of yourself, and be happy. One-day maybe we could meet again as friends. I love you.' Cameron  
  
  
  
She cried holding the letter close to her heart. Then she handed it to Rachel. "I have to go can you book me a flight? I'm going to pack."  
  
"Yes, dear," Rachel said as she read the letter. She smiled and knew if anyone could help him, Amanda could. Amanda knew something was in the wind. Thinking back over the past several months, she realized Amanda had not been herself since that man went away. If she hadn't been so busy with the twins and Paulina's trust fund, she might have been more aware. The wheels were set in motion. She would have to get in touch with David to tell him that the magazine will have to use Matt as the acting editor until Amanda gets back. Cameron needs her. 


	6. Chapter Six

CHAPTER SIX  
  
  
  
A relatively short plane ride seemed to last forever when her love was at the other end. Please let him live, so I can make this up to him. He has to remember me. Clarence Butler seemed nice. She had talked briefly on the phone to him to let him know when she was arriving. She was a nervous wreck and found she wringing her hands. Rachel had offered to come with her but she had said no. She was glad she had. She didn't want her mother to see her like this. Clarence had said that Chuck would meet her at the airport, and take her directly to the hospital. The pilot's voice came over the speaker and said they would be landing at O'Hare in fifteen minutes. After landing and finding her bags she waited by the phones. She placed a call to her mother and let her know she was all right and would keep her informed. Hanging up she turned around just as a blond haired blue-eyed man was going to touch her shoulder.  
  
"Amanda Cory?"  
  
"Yes, are you Chuck?"  
  
"Yes, and if I may say so, you are even more beautiful than your picture." And Chuck blushed at seeming so forward.  
  
"Thank you, I forgot that Cameron had a picture of me. How is he?"  
  
"He still isn't doing well. The doctors are hoping for any kind of recovery. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. We were lucky he had that picture with your writing on it." He picked up her cases and walked her in the direction of the parking lot.  
  
"I am too. He could have been so hurt that he might not have brought anything with him." She took Chucks offered arm to get into his truck. He apologized that he didn't have a car.  
  
"That's okay. It will get me to the hospital and that is all I care about." She hadn't even noticed she was busy thinking of Cameron.  
  
Chuck made idle conversation and said that she could stay with Clara in Frank's room. She didn't want to put her out but it would keep her close to him, let her sleep where he slept and dream where he dreamed.  
  
He let her off at the entrance and told her, which room he was in and that they were expecting her. He left to go park.  
  
She took the elevator up to the fourth floor. Praying as she went not to break down when she saw him. Chuck had told her he was still unconscious and he had tubes coming from everywhere, but it had not prepared her for what she saw. Her hand went immediately to her mouth, 'Oh my God, Cameron.' she dropped her jacket and purse and went to his side. There was no place to hold his hand. He had IV's going into both arms and was on oxygen and a heart monitor. The tears washed over her cheeks and down onto the pillow. He was so swollen. They had shaved his head. And he had bandages all over. His beautiful eyes were taped shut and he was on a respirator. She just couldn't believe this was her Cameron. He had been so vital and full of life. If only. no he hated that. She wiped the tears from her face as Chuck came in with a woman and he introduced them. "Amanda Cory, this is my sister Clara Butler."  
  
"How do you do." They both said in unison. Amanda smiled at Chuck.  
  
She said, "I can't believe this is Cameron, please fill me in on what happened."  
  
Chuck helped Clara to a chair near Cameron's bed, and proceeded to tell the tale, as he knew it. The accident and the recovery the first time, and now this. About how they hated going through his things, but the doctors felt someone who knew him might aid in his recovery. Clara filled her in on the rest. She told of how he loved the room and the view of the stars. She told her that even though he never spoke of her before the accident, she knew there was someone. He spent a lot of time alone and paced the floor. And after the accident he stared at your picture. She had overheard him, talking to you and wondering who this Princess was.  
  
"What.. what did you say, Princess? He always called me that. Could it be he was remembering? Do they think he'll regain his memory?"  
  
"You'll really have to talk to the doctors. They thought so before this last incident. I don't know now. They haven't been too forthcoming with any news. Maybe now that his family is here, they will talk to you."  
  
"I'm not really family. We had been engaged but I called off the wedding. It's a story I would rather not talk about. He hurt me. I didn't think I would ever recover. But over the last few weeks, he's all I can think about. I must have sensed something was in the." the breeze that night on the hill, he must have been just settling in to his room. And the breeze I sensed yesterday morning must have been when he was lapsing into a coma. We ARE connected. I always felt we were.  
  
"Amanda, what is it?" Clara asked.  
  
"Just something about the air, I've been on his mind since he left, and I knew that. More than knowing, I felt it. It's confusing." Amanda was feeling weary.  
  
Yes, it's obvious you love him, no matter what your reasons for breaking the engagement. You had to come here when you knew he was hurt. Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Clara exclaimed.  
  
Amanda shivered at those words, weren't they the same ones, he had used the night he proposed. Who were these people, our guardian angels? After all they were the one's who found my picture. Thank God he took it with him. The day in Key West when they had had that picture taken, they didn't seem to have a care in the world. They had been happy there. We'll go back again when you are better. Closing her eyes, she prayed, 'Please God, save this man, he doesn't deserve this, he is a good man. He always tries to do the best by everyone except himself. Please help him come back to me.  
  
"Amanda, why don't you go to Clara's and rest? You'll be called should anything change here. You look exhausted. Sleep will help. I'll come back and sit with Frank, if you want me too."  
  
"Frank, gosh I had forgotten he used that alias. I should have remembered. He didn't want to be found." Quietly to herself she said, 'Oh my, what am I going to do? I hate to leave now that I have found him again. Are you sure you want to put me up, Clara? Won't it be too much trouble?"  
  
"No, Frank, er, Cameron, paid for the month and you can stay in his room, you'll feel better there. Come let's go home and they will call us, they have my number.  
  
Amanda leaned over the bed and kissed the one spot on his forehead that wasn't covered. He was so frail looking; she couldn't believe he was here. Whispering to him she said, 'I'll return real soon, my love, hang in there. I love you'. To Chuck and Clara, she said, "lets go."  
  
As they pulled up to Clara's house, Amanda almost dreaded going into his room. She would handle it when she had to. Clara went to the kitchen and Amanda followed. She made tea and offered cookies. Chuck took her bags up to Cameron's room. After a nice conversation, Clara offered to show her upstairs, "You really need some sleep, and you sound very tired Amanda. Please, I will call you the minute I hear anything. Right this way." Clara opened the door to a sparsely furnished room. It looked like his apartment back home. She immediately noticed the picture of herself on his nightstand.  
  
The bed had been made and the window was opened. "Frank really loved the view from the window, said it reminded him of back home. Maybe it will do the same for you. The bathroom is in there." Pointing to the door on the far right. "I hope you can sleep. My room is just down the hall to your left. If you need anything, call me. Goodnight Amanda."  
  
"Goodnight Clara and Clara, thank you for everything you have done for me and for Cameron. You are very nice." closing the door, she burst into tears. She sat on the bed and picked up his pillow and inhaled his scent. She couldn't believe how bad Cameron looked. She sat there for many moments just thinking of him and hugging his pillow. It smelled of him, his cologne and his sweat. It was a good smell that she had missed. She remembered watching him sleep in Key West, how much younger he had looked. Now she realized the burden he had been carrying. She so wanted him to wake up and talk to her. . She would forgive him everything if only.  
  
Standing up she went in to the bathroom and there was his shaving stuff and brush, and comb. He wouldn't need that now; she hoped that his hair would grow back soon. It was so soft, she loved running her hands through it. She finished putting her stuff next to his (they way it should be) she thought. And went back to the bedroom. She avoided the window. She knew the tears would come again when she looked where he looked. 'Now Amanda, he would say, it's there in the stars. There are so many, she would say, how will I know ours?' 'It will always be the one you can see.' he'd say, kissing her, with the softness of a breeze.  
  
Getting up she pushed the window open and looked up to see a view more beautiful than the hill. The stars were shining bright. 'Which one is ours Cameron', she said aloud. As one went shooting across the sky. I'm here she felt him saying as a breeze floated through. Hugging herself she said, 'and now, so am I, Dear one.' 


	7. Chapter Seven

CHAPTER SEVEN  
  
  
  
Somewhere in a dark foggy place, Frank Cameron Sinclair was running for his life. He was ready to give up, he was tired and there was no one fighting for him on the outside. This limbo he was in was tiring. He felt whipped both physically and mentally. In this place he was both Frank and Cameron, memories of both. He remembered Amanda, how he had hurt her. How he loved her. Gary and Josie. His Mom, all those who he had ever cared about. Even the Butlers; Callie, Clara, Chuck, he wondered what their agenda was. No one was that nice anymore. His head hurt and his spirit was giving up. It would be so simple just to slip away. What's the use? When I get back, if I retain any semblance of memories, those of Cameron were painful and those of Frank, they just weren't him, not without his family. Somewhere in the fog he heard a voice, 'Running away again, aren't you Sinclair.' ' Who's there' not seeing anyone in the dense fog. 'You know who it is. You're no good. That's right just give up, don't try to fix things, you worthless kid.' Then he knew it was his old man. He never had any use for any of them. He thought once he'd died, things would change and he would see the error of his ways, but even now he was judgmental. I can't win. 'That's right give up, you're no good anyway, you just hurt everything you touch. Hell, you broke your brother's heart when you slept with his wife. And then you lied to Amanda, who you professed to love. You don't know the meaning of love, you lowlife." 'No I do love her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. You're the lowlife, beating helpless kids and your wife. Who are you to judge? I won't give you the satisfaction of giving up.  
  
'I guess there is still some fight left in him, I knew that would do it.' As if a whisper he heard, 'fight Cameron, you can change the way things happen, just fight, please come back to me. The male voice changed to a female one that he recognized. He couldn't run fast enough to get there. She seemed so far away, it was just a whisper but he heard it. Could it be her, or was the old man playing tricks on him? How would she know where he was? He had covered all trails. 'Well son, I guess her love for you is stronger than all time, she loves you and you need to go back. Fight for her son, she's worth it and given time she will forgive you. Go now.'  
  
Her voice was getting stronger; the fog was beginning to lift. He ran faster, but as he did the memories of Frank were getting stronger and those of Cameron were fading. No, don't let me lose them, not yet, not till I tell Amanda I love her. Please no..  
  
After weeks of sitting by his bedside, Amanda talked to him, read to him, prayed for him. She and Clara were becoming very close friends. She would go home at night and cry on her shoulder. She was so warm and receptive that Amanda had poured out the whole lurid story. From Scott Guthrie and Boca Lynda. From her wedding day to the birth of Cameron's baby. Clara understood now why she had felt the way she did. For a long time she had needed to tell someone. She was too embarrassed to tell her family, and she'd been holding it in for so long. It felt good to let it go.  
  
That morning she was late getting to the hospital, traffic was unreal. She had rented a car so as not to put out the Butlers anymore than necessary. She had paid another month for Cameron's room, hoping that he would soon occupy it. After chatting with the nurses about his overnight, she went to his bedside and said her usual prayer of the morning, Dear God; I pray for Cameron's healing. For him to become strong again and come back to those that love him. Amen  
  
Kissing his forehead, she settled in to watch him. She drank her coffee and told him of the traffic and the sights and sounds of Chicago. How the air smelled after the cleansing rain from the night before. And the birds singing on the terrace. "Cameron, I wish that you could share this all with me, I need you and miss you." Holding his hand she felt a tremor in his fingers. Must be one of the muscle jerks the doctors told of. But then it happened again with more pressure this time. She stood and looked at him closer. 'I think he blinked,' she said to herself. She waited and he blinked again. She went to the doorway and called to one of the nurses, who came straight in.  
  
"He blinked" turning back to Cameron said, "Cameron please wake up." He blinked again; he opened his eyes just a slit, seeing this beautiful angel standing over him he thought he was dead.  
  
"Cameron, thank God." As she burst into tears they coursed over her cheeks down to his face. Sobbing she kissed his hand and forehead.  
  
Trying to clear his throat he whispered, "Who are you?"  
  
"Cameron, it's Amanda." Feeling helpless she said, "you don't know me, do you?  
  
"No, sorry, but you look familiar."  
  
At that point Dr. Jones came in and said to her, "Amnesia is difficult to understand. We'll have to give him time. We'll do more tests when he's more alert.  
  
"Mr. Cameron, do you remember me?"  
  
"Yes, you're Dr. Jones."  
  
"Yes, that's right, you had a relapse. I think this time we solved the problem. You have been in a coma for several weeks, how do you feel?  
  
Whispering he said he was groggy and felt weak. He continued to stare at Amanda, recognizing her from the photo but not sure who she was.  
  
The doctor waved Amanda over to the door and talked with her, "Well, at least we haven't lost everything. He is still aware of his recent past. Maybe in time, he'll remember you."  
  
"I thought that he had come out after hearing me talk to him but I guess it wasn't me. What should I do now?"  
  
"Just continue along as you have been, you are still familiar to him, and maybe in time it will work to help him regain his memory."  
  
Going back to Cameron's bed she leant down and talked to him quietly, "Cameron, it's alright, you will get better, they think that they have fixed what was wrong. It will be only a matter of time before you can go back to Clara's." Amanda was trying to remain positive.  
  
"How are Clara and Chuck?" he managed to croak out. Amanda gave him a sip of water to relieve the dryness.  
  
"They are fine, I will call them later to inform them of the good news, Oh Cameron, I am so glad you are awake." Amanda said with the tears brimming over her lashes.  
  
'I'm sorry, what is your name?"  
  
"Amanda, I'm the woman from your photo."  
  
"You're prettier than your picture." Cameron was growing weak just talking. This princess was just too good to be true. He couldn't believe she was here. How, he wondered? I'll ask that tomorrow, he thought. He wanted to go to sleep.  
  
"I've missed your face, Cameron. Sleep now. I'll be here when you wake up. I won't go." she squeezed his hand and sat down still holding on to him.  
  
"I wish I could say the same." Closing his eyes, he quickly went to sleep.  
  
To be continued.. 


	8. Chapter Eight

CHAPTER EIGHT  
  
After a long day Amanda went home to Clara. This had to be the longest day of her life. She cried until she thought she would never stop.  
  
"What am I going to do Clara? He didn't even have an inkling of who I am. I am just a woman from his past he has a photo of. Nothing of our relationship, our love, or any of it."  
  
"You will do what you have been doing for the last few weeks, go hold his hand, let him know that you are there for him. If it is meant to be he will come back to you. If for some strange reason he never remembers, you will start fresh, a clean slate, so to speak. He loved you once, he will again. Give it time. He has been through a lot and so have you."  
  
"Yes, but he loved me as Cameron, not as Frank. He may be a different person. Can I accept that?"  
  
"That is something you have to decide, but do it before you get tangled in his life as Frank. You will only hurt yourself again, and him. You have to choose to be with him no matter what or walk now and let what happens happen. He may eventually remember and come back to you. I know it can't be an easy choice, I am glad I don't have to make it."  
  
"I love him Clara, how can I walk away now, now that I have found him?' after a long silence of deep thinking she knew what had to be done. "No, I have to stay, no matter the outcome. Can you put up with me? May I continue to stay here?"  
  
"You sure can. I told Frank that I would hold his place until he was better, I think that you can fill his shoes until then. I like your company. We have become close friends and I'd hate to lose that."  
  
"Thank you for being here for me and helping me to understand what I need to do." Amanda got up and hugged Clara. She said goodnight and went up the stairs to her beloved's room. No matter what happens. I will always love you, Cameron. If you stay as Frank, hopefully what we shared before will be as strong. Hugging his pillow, still strong of his scent, she lay down to think of how to start on her new quest, to help him remember his life, their love and hopefully their future. She went soundly to sleep.  
  
Arriving at the hospital the next morning, they had some of the tubes out of him, she smiled and he grinned back. He is just being friendly, she thought, he hasn't remembered. "Good morning Cameron, I hope you slept well."  
  
"Yes I did, how are you doing? The nurses told me you knew me as Cameron, it just sounds strange. I have only memories of the accident and my brief time out of the hospital at Clara's, I tried so hard to remember you. Please tell me about me."  
  
"I'll tell you a little, but the doctors are worried about overload. I have so much to tell you, but we have time. I hope something will trigger your memory. Oh, let's see, where do I begin." Smiling, taking a seat to get comfortable.  
  
"How about how we first met." Cameron was looking anxious.  
  
"Well, my step father hired you to protect the family. We weren't aware that he had employed anyone. I had seen you in the park several days before you showed up at the house. I had spotted you several times before while you were running on the hill. You intrigued me; you had an attitude as big as the great outdoors. And then you sneaked into our home and we thought you were a burglar. But Carl, my stepfather, told us you were Frank Cameron and you would be a chauffeur slash bodyguard. We had been having trouble with threats and such. Carl wanted someone in the house, so he hired you to act as a chauffeur but really to be a body guard." Taking a breath and a sip of coffee to continue, Cameron broke in.  
  
"The running, always in my dreams I'm running. When I first got out of the hospital, you were in my dreams, I didn't know our connection, but you were running away from me, just out of reach. I never understood why, I searched all my things trying to remember something. I discovered your picture and I also found an engagement ring in my briefcase. Was I going to ask you to marry me?"  
  
Wanting to avoid the subject of their engagement Amanda tried to skirt around the issue, but Cameron was insistent on knowing all the details.  
  
"Really, I don't want to give you too much at once." She was very uncomfortable. Her face grew dark with remembering all the hurt. She thought she had gotten past all that. But she realized the wounds were still fresh. How was she to get through this when she knew it was so important he remember? It had been easier when she wasn't face to face with the person who had hurt her.  
  
He could tell by her reaction that he hurt her in some way, 'what a beast I must be.' he thought. "We were engaged, weren't we, but I have your ring. What in the hell did I do to you? Was that why I came to Chicago?" looking distressed.  
  
"Why do you think it was you?" figuring she could soften the issue by acting light and airy.  
  
"Well, if you didn't hate me you wouldn't have given the ring back, If I had broken it off you'd just put it in your jewelry case and let it go."  
  
"Smart man Mr. Sinclair, you haven't lost that part of you, figuring everything out to the very last detail." Amanda laughing with ease as if she had him back.  
  
"I'm right aren't I? I hurt you. So why are you here?" not relishing being right.  
  
"Wow, you cut right to the heart of it. You always did say just what was on your mind."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Do you really want to get into this? Don't you think we should wait?"  
  
"I want to know it all, I need to remember. Amanda, please help me."  
  
"Cameron please, I will but lets not rush it." Worried that he was getting too agitated. "Yes, you did hurt me and no, I won't go into why now." shaking her head as he started to ask what it was. "But the reason I'm here is that ever since you left Bay City, I've been miserable, I thought I would be able to get over you, but you had invaded my very soul. I figured it would just take time. Then I got this package. Clarence Butler mailed a letter you had written to me when you were still Cameron. I suspect it was just after you left Bay City. I am not sure if you meant for me to read it, but I got it. And there was a picture in your briefcase that we had taken in Key West and I had written on the back to Cameron Sinclair from Amanda Cory, with love." Handing him the wallet picture Clarence had sent to her. "That's how they found me. He told me what had happened and that you were in serious condition and your family should be notified. That's when I realized for sure that I still loved you and couldn't live without you. I got on the next flight. And have been sitting with you for weeks, until you woke up yesterday."  
  
"But I had searched my case, and found nothing, except the big picture and the ring. I never found this (waving the wallet) or the letter, may I see it?"  
  
"Sorry, I don't have it with me." Knowing full well she did but knew he couldn't or shouldn't handle all this information.  
  
"Okay, but bring it. Maybe it will spark a memory, I need every detail. I wish I could remember what our lives had been. Hopefully I will. I interrupted, go on. What happened before the engagement? "  
  
" Where was I, oh yeah, you stayed at the house, and I tried to get information out of you, I thought you weren't on the up and up. But I couldn't come up with a thing. But then someone took a shot at Carl, killing him and they blamed you, but I knew in my soul that you were innocent. No one else believed that you didn't do it. And in spite of myself, I fell in love with you, although I didn't admit it right away. We found out who really killed Carl and stole my family's money. I was kidnapped by him and taken to Boca Lynda to help him get the money released from the trust funds of my siblings. You came down to save me. It was there that you first told me you loved me, even though I felt for a long time you had. " She didn't want to tell all the details just yet, what purpose would it serve. She wanted to forget.  
  
"Then our love continued to grow. You asked me to marry you on New Years' eve, and we were to be married on Valentines Day. And it was shortly after that, that you left."  
  
"What did I do?" Cameron looking pained.  
  
"That is another day, I can't take this walk down memory lane, the pain is still fresh for me." Amanda really wanted to stop all this. What good was dredging all the bad stuff up anyway?  
  
"Alright, but promise me you will tell me. How did you find out I had left?" She nodded and continued.  
  
"I realized after a while that you were gone. Your brother called to see if I had heard from you. It was then that I really knew you were out of my life, and that I missed you. Too late to do anything about it. I had moped around for weeks and finally came to the conclusion to hire your brother to find you because I couldn't live without you no matter what. I would be miserable with you rather than without you sort of thing. And then the very next day I received the package. And here I am."  
  
"I have a brother? What is his name?"  
  
"Well actually you have two, Gary and Tucker. I've never met Tucker, he's away at school. But Gary and I are friends, I knew him before you came to town. I didn't know you even existed. He never talked about his family."  
  
"Does he know I am here? Where is he?"  
  
"Yes, he does but you two had a fight and I guess he can't get over it yet, I keep him informed though. I think he'll come around eventually. Well, I think that you have had enough for today, no arguments." Putting up her hand as he started to protest. "Maybe this afternoon we can get into this a little more. It's tiring for me too. I want to help but so much has happened. I'm going to get some coffee and you try to sleep, you have physical therapy in about two hours and you need to rest now."  
  
"You are coming back aren't you?" Sounding a little panicky, not like Cameron, but a small child. He had been through so much, and he really needs a friend.  
  
Placing her hand on his she leaned over and kissed his forehead and told him "but of course, I am in for the long haul. I just need some coffee. Rest, I won't be long."  
  
"Alright, see you in a few." Sounding more at ease. She squeezed his hand.  
  
She felt drained, going to the cafeteria, she sat down to drink her coffee, she knew she should go back but she was emotionally drained. She put her head in her hands, and the tears silently crossed her cheeks. Thinking about the past was reliving all the hurt, joy and lies. She wondered exactly how had they really gotten here. She thought if they had only made different choices along the way, they might be on the way to making a baby now, wondering where to live and planning their future. She wiped her face and got more coffee and went back up stairs.  
  
To be continued.. 


	9. Chapter Nine

CHAPTER NINE  
  
  
  
  
  
Weeks passed and Amanda had revealed the whole story. But unfortunately none of it seemed to spark even a hint of a memory. He had gotten better and was released from the hospital and went back to Clara's. It wasn't the homecoming she had wanted. She had moved out to a hotel close by. She felt at odds with Cameron. All her memories were intact, but she was a stranger to him. They were friendly but there was nothing in him to respond to her. She wondered if it would ever happen. Cameron was getting stronger and doing for himself now. Dr. Jones felt that with every day that passed, he soon would be back to work, his body healed. She wanted him to go back to Bay City, but he was reluctant. He knew no one there and was afraid of going back. Would he be accepted? He had hurt a lot of people. They remembered, even if he didn't. He wanted to stay and continue with his life here. Amanda tried to convince him that if she accepted him, the family would also. There was also the fact that he didn't really know her, they had become friendly and he knew he had been in love with her but he didn't know it in his heart. He made his decision, the Butlers had been gracious enough to both Amanda and him, and until he remembered something, he would stay. Amanda was heartbroken but wouldn't let on to him. What would she do now? If she returned home, she feared that it would be over, once and for all. But she couldn't stay here; Cameron had made it clear that although he knew they had a past he couldn't pretend all was well. It was hopeless. Amanda remembered back to that day in the hospital.  
  
"I appreciate all you are trying to do for me Amanda but I just don't remember you. I'm sorry. I wish I could. You're gracious and beautiful but I have no memories of you. I can't go back to a town where I don't know anybody and knowing I left them with ill feelings. I know I don't know anyone here but anonymity in a big city feels comforting right now. I don't mean to hurt you, but I think I'll stay." He turned away and looked out of the window.  
  
"I can appreciate where you are coming from, but I love you. I have faith that you will remember. Maybe familiar sites will jog your memory. I won't try to infringe on your decision, but I want to help. Please think it over. Trust in me." Placing her hand on his shoulder, willing him to look at her.  
  
Cameron continued to stare out the window. He couldn't face how his rejection showed in her face. He wished that he could go back to being Cameron Sinclair, it would be so much easier. But that wasn't to be, for now at least.  
  
"I have made my decision Amanda, I'm going to stay here for now and who knows, maybe one day I will remember, and I'll come back. I think you should go home now. I'll keep in touch. Thank you for all you have done for me. I only wish it had worked."  
  
Amanda knew there was no changing his mind, in some ways he hadn't changed at all, but the spark that was Cameron was gone. Frank Cameron was becoming stronger. Even though it was breaking her heart she went home. She couldn't force him to remember. They had parted friends; she turned around with a heavy heart knowing that this could be the last time she saw him. She never believed she would be going home alone. All she could do was pray that he would someday come back to her. Tearfully she boarded the plane and headed home.  
  
Cameron went back to Clara's and up to his room. Looking at Amanda's picture he felt nothing other than friendship, he knew this was hurting her but couldn't keep her here any longer. She had a life and going back with her would only put pressure on him. His brother hadn't even come to see him. From the little Amanda had told him, there were wounds there that he just couldn't face. He would be fighting all of their memories and it wouldn't be fair. He had no resources to call on. This was the best decision, stay and make a life here until whenever. Putting her picture back into the drawer he went and sat on the window ledge and looked out at his world. It was beautiful here. Closing his eyes he thought back on all Amanda had told him. They had quite a history in the short time they were together. Amanda was a beautiful woman; he could easily fall in love with her. But her going home was for the best. He had tied her in Chicago long enough. He didn't need the guilt of keeping her here; she had that magazine to run. He was in a standstill. Dr. Jones said it wouldn't be too long until he would be going back to work. He was looking forward to that. He liked Chuck, who had stuck by him through all of this. Clara was equally as nice, she really put herself out for Amanda, and they had become friends, according to Amanda.  
  
He would start tomorrow on a little yard work. Life would go on. He turned the radio on low and he lay down to rest; the day had been an emotional one. He was stronger but still had a way to go. He fell asleep shortly after closing his eyes. Waking to the strains of a song that seemed familiar somehow. He didn't think he had ever heard it before.  
  
I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars He sure knew what he was doin' When he joined these two hearts I hold everything When I hold you in my arms I've got all I'll ever need Thanks to the keeper of the stars  
  
It was no accident me finding you Someone had a hand in it Long before we ever knew (Tracy Byrd-Keeper of the Stars)  
  
Somewhere, in a corner of his mind, Cameron seemed to remember something significant about stars. And this song seemed so apropos to this memory. He made a mental note to remember this.  
  
A week passed and he was getting into a routine working around the house, cooking meals. It saved Clara from doing everything. He was having trouble sleeping. And what sleep he got was not restful. Two weeks after Amanda left, the weather turned nasty. It had been a stormy day and he was stuck inside, and he tried reading and listening to music but with the storm he couldn't concentrate. He knew he should write to her but put it off. He would definitely do it tomorrow. Instead he lay down and took a nap.  
  
Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind, a little boy emerged from his past. 'Gary, Gary where are you' he whispered. 'I'm afraid. Help me. Little Cameron was hiding under the bed. 'I'm right here little brother,' lying down beside him on the floor putting his arm over his back. It's okay.' 'No it's not. Your lip is bloody and he hit you in your eye.' Cameron began to cry. 'I hate him.' 'It's not so bad, it didn't hurt too much. At least you got away.' Gary sucking in a deep breath to hide his pain. Someday he thought, the old man would go too far. 'Where's Mom? Is she okay?' 'Yeah, he slapped her up but he passed out before he could do much. Come on let's go outside.' 'Okay.' Going outside with his brother they tried to pretend they were fighter pilots, splaying their arms and making airplane noises. Vvrroomm Vvrroomm ratatattat, sounds of explosions. When all at once their father jumped off the porch, grabbed both boys and smashed them together. Pushing Gary to the ground he stomped on his hand and picked Cameron up and slammed him onto the railing of the porch, knocking the wind out of him. 'Take that you heathens, I'm trying to sleep and you two are out here making noise. How many times do I have to tell you to be quiet? Or are you too stupid to get it?' 'Sorry Pop, we just got carried away.' Gary said trying ever so hard not to cry as his hand began to swell. 'It won't happen again, come on Cam.' Taking his brother off the railing, they ran down the street as fast as their feet would move. Stopping only long enough to look back to see if he was following, but he had passed out again. 'Well we're safe for a while. How ya doing?' sitting Cameron down on the grass to check him out. 'It hurts here.' Pointing to his belly he whimpered and tried not to cry because it made it hurt more. 'I hate him, lets run away.' 'Now you know we can't, he will always find us. I'll protect you little brother. Don't you worry!' 'But I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back, I don't want to go back.'  
  
Waking suddenly from this troubling dream he immediately forgot what it was about. Bothered by whatever it was he tried to shake it off, but the feeling of helplessness remained with him.  
  
Going downstairs he went to the kitchen to get a drink when Clara came in and startled him and he dropped the glass he was holding, shattering it. He immediately put his hands up in a defensive motion. Realizing that he was reliving something from his past he said. "Clara, you scared me. But I remembered part of a dream I had just now. It was scary and I don't really remember all of it but I do remember being hit as a kid."  
  
"Sorry Frank. I didn't mean to startle you. Can you elaborate on your dream?"  
  
"No, its choppy but when I broke the glass it was like I was back there, wherever and I was in deep trouble for breaking a glass. It was weird how I was transported back. Maybe this is a start. What do you suppose?"  
  
"I'm not sure, just relax and maybe the thoughts will come back. Try writing down all that you can remember. They say that sometimes it helps to recall a dream. Good luck. I'm going upstairs. See you later."  
  
"Thanks, Clara." he said as she left the room and went upstairs. He finished up in the kitchen. He would put a notepad next to his bed and try writing down what he could recall. He was hopeful that maybe his memory was returning. But what kind of childhood did he have? Had there been abuse? If Gary were here maybe he could elaborate on their childhood. Thinking out loud, 'I wonder if I should try to contact him? He must hate me for something but he seems to be the only key to my past and my disturbing dreams. I'll call Amanda and ask if she could contact him to see if he would help.' Picking up the phone he dialed her number. Listening to it ring it hit him that he didn't know her number and almost hung up when someone picked up and said, "Hello, Cory residence Amanda speaking."  
  
"Amanda? It's me." Cameron said not knowing what else to say. (Shocked by this memory.)  
  
"Cameron, I was thinking about you, how are you?" Amanda said her heart racing from just hearing his voice.  
  
After moments of silence he took a breath and decided to tell her he instinctively knew her number.  
  
"Amanda, when I decided to call you I was going to ask you to talk to my brother Gary, and I picked up the phone and dialed."  
  
"I'm glad you did, how are you?"  
  
"No, you don't get it. I dialed your number. I didn't look it up. I knew it." Cameron said.  
  
"Oh, Cameron this is wonderful." Amanda said bursting into tears.  
  
"Now don't cry, I haven't really remembered anything, but I guess it's a start."  
  
Getting control of herself she asked what he wanted her to ask Gary.  
  
"I have been having disturbing dreams that are connected to my childhood and I feel that only Gary can help me. But, he didn't come to see me and I feel funny contacting someone I don't know. Can you help me? See if he would come here to help?"  
  
"I'm sure he will Cameron, anything to help you get your memory back. I'll call him and get back to you. How have you been, really?"  
  
"I'm okay, Amanda but I really want to get past all this. How are you?"  
  
"I'm alright, I have been keeping busy with Brava. My family sends their best to you. I pray for you everyday that your memory will return." And unsaid she thought 'and you'll come back to me.'  
  
"I feel stronger everyday and Dr. Jones says I will be able to go back to work soon. I just hope that Gary can help with my past."  
  
Chatting a few moments more they hung up and Cameron went out for a walk. Amanda sat on the patio thinking about Cameron and what their life might have been, given different choices. She closed her eyes and went to sleep.  
  
To be continued.. 


	10. Chapter Ten

CHAPTER TEN  
  
  
  
Amanda was overjoyed at the prospect of Cameron's memory return. She tried not to get hopeful, but that was asking the impossible. She would ask Gary if he would go to Chicago to help Cameron. She wasn't sure if he would given how hurt he was, but deep down she knew he really cared about his brother and he wouldn't want to see him hurt. She hoped she could get through to him.  
  
After contacting Gary, he reluctantly agreed to help Cameron. Amanda wanted to accompany him to Chicago but thought better of it. She was the last thing Cameron needed right now. As much as she longed to see him she knew it was best to stay home.  
  
She saw Gary off at the airport. Told him to call if he should need anything. And to say hi to Cameron. She prayed that Gary could help him.  
  
In Chicago  
  
Amanda telephoned Cameron and told him Gary would come to help him. He was glad that Gary was able to put his hurt aside and help him out. He thanked Amanda and told her he would keep in touch.  
  
Gary arrived two days later. Cameron had had several more disturbing dreams and had written down all that he could remember. He would show his notes to Gary and maybe he could fill in the blanks. They must have had some sort of life; but it appeared to be filled with sorrow. Cameron cleared it with Clara that Gary could stay with him. She had a futon in the attic and Cameron pulled it down for Gary to sleep on. Cameron was nervous about meeting Gary; this was something he had wanted to avoid and was part of the decision not to go back to Bay City. He knew from what little Amanda had told him that they had hurt Gary. He still hoped that they could become friends.  
  
Driving to the airport, he began to have a headache. He hoped it was just from the stress and not from the surgery. He tried his relaxation techniques, and it helped. He was early, just liked he planned; he wanted to prepare for this meeting. Gary's flight was to arrive at 2:00 p.m., and it was 1:45 now. Cameron went to the bar and got a soft drink. It was air conditioned in the bar and he felt better, his nerves were calmer now. Hearing the flight from Bay City would be unloading at gate 7, Cameron got up and went to the appropriate gate. Pacing back and forth, nervous at not knowing what to say. He didn't even know what his brother looked like. Just then this dark haired man came through the gate. He knew it was Gary. The memory of his brother came rushing back and tears welled up in his eyes. Gary came right up to him and taking one look at his brother put his arms around him and cried along with him.  
  
"Hey man, I'm so sorry." Gary said standing back looking at this shell of man that was his brother. He had lost weight and his hair was just coming back in. Amanda had tried to prepare him for what he would look like, but seeing him like this, all the pain was pushed to the back burner.  
  
"Gary I remember you, not everything but I remember you. It's nice to see a familiar face; I didn't realize how much I have missed. I have so much to ask you. But that can wait until we get home." Grabbing one of Gary's bags he headed towards his rental truck.  
  
"That's wonderful Cameron, when did this happen?" Gary asked, slapping him on the shoulder.  
  
"Just now, as you came through the gate, I recognized your face. I don't remember much after that but I know you!" Cameron feeling that at last he had someone who knew him and he knew. Maybe he would come back after all.  
  
"Cam, you look great. Amanda told me how much you had been through but I guess I didn't really believe her, I was reluctant to come here but now I'm glad I did. I'm also sorry that I wasn't there for you when you were still in the hospital."  
  
"That's okay. Amanda told me that I hurt you, with no details. I don't remember but it must have been a whopper. I wasn't even sure if you would come now, but I have been having these dreams about my, er, our childhood and I hope that you can help. I hope it won't be too painful for you."  
  
"Well, we will get through this together, no matter what, because we're family and we need to hold on to that. And Amanda is a special friend of mine, and I would do anything for her. That's why I was so glad the two of you got together. I'm hoping we can get you back to that relationship. You were good for each other."  
  
"I hurt her, and who knows who else, I don't think I can get back there."  
  
"All we can do is try." Gary said as he looked out the window, they talked about the Cubs and Cameron said that he could get tickets to a game while he was here. After the ride from the airport they finally arrived at Clara's. Cameron took him up to his room and showed him where to store his stuff. Clara was letting him use a futon from the attic. He wanted Gary near in case of another dream.  
  
They settled into a routine and for several days Cameron was able to sleep without the dreams. He was getting to know Gary. They talked with ease, Cameron was remembering little things and talking to Gary emphasized the bond they must have had as children. Gary had told him only the things that were pertinent to his dreams. Cameron knew there must be more and he really wanted to hear all of it.  
  
After dinner, Gary went for a walk and Cameron called Amanda to thank her.  
  
"Hello, Amanda. How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine, how are you getting along with Gary?"  
  
"Great, I recognized him at the airport. No memories of anything but these little things I am capturing are getting stronger. I haven't had any more dreams. But Gary and I are talking about our childhood. Dr. Jones said that he feels that I should regain my memory. When, he can't say, but is pretty sure it will happen."  
  
"Oh, Cameron that is wonderful news, I can't wait. I know I promised I wouldn't do this but. I have missed you. I know you don't need to hear this."  
  
"Amanda, I understand. I guess it happened when Gary showed up and the familiarity of knowing someone. I realized what I was missing."  
  
"I hope Gary can help you and no matter what, please know that I love you, and think about you often. Tell Clara and Gary I said hello and I'll talk to you soon. Goodbye." Hanging up the telephone she burst into tears. Rachel at that moment came into the room.  
  
"Honey, who was that on the phone?" guessing it must be Cameron.  
  
Wiping the tears, she said. "Cameron."  
  
"Is everything alright? No bad news I hope."  
  
"No, but he did recognize Gary and the doctor is hopeful. I just don't think I can stand the wait. I want to go out there and make him remember. I know that's silly but it's how I feel. I don't have anyone but you to talk with"  
  
"Yes, honey you do have me and eventually Cameron will come around, but forcing yourself on him may chase him away. You just keep the faith and he will return to you."  
  
"Thanks Mom." Amanda went over to Rachel and hugged her and told her she needed to take a walk.  
  
"Have a nice walk. It'll help to clear your head. I'll see you later."  
  
Amanda grabbed her sweater and headed out the door. Walking in the crisp cool air of the evening, Amanda breathed deep as if to inhale sanity. Making her way to the hill she sat on their bench and stared at their star.  
  
She sat there for a very long time. Thinking about her life and Cameron's. Not wanting to leave their place, she sat back and closed her eyes. Far off strains of music wafted up from someone's car radio. She couldn't quite make out all the words but what she heard was I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars He sure knew what he was doin' When he joined these two hearts I hold everything When I hold you in my arms I've got all I'll ever need Thanks to the keeper of the stars  
  
She sat up and leaned closer so she could hear the rest.  
  
Soft moonlight on your face oh how you shine It takes my breath away Just to look into your eyes I know I don't deserve a treasure like you There really are no words To show my gratitude  
  
I tip my hat to the keeper of the stars He sure knew what he was doin' When he joined these two hearts I hold everything When I hold you in my arms I've got all I'll ever need Thanks to the keeper of the stars  
  
It was no accident me finding you Someone had a hand in it Long before we ever knew  
  
'And that was Tracy Byrd with Keeper of the Stars. You are listening to BC Country 101.4. And now on to.'  
  
Amanda knew that this song had to be written just for Cameron and her. She really didn't like country music but this was a beautiful song. It made her miss all those evenings of staring at the stars with Cameron. Feeling a cool breeze she pulled her sweater close to her body. Realizing that this was the same breeze she felt when she first came to the hill after Cameron left. He must be thinking about her. It gave her renewed hope that he would return to her and they would be together again.  
  
To be continued. 


	11. Chapter Eleven

CHAPTER ELEVEN  
  
  
  
Gary had only planned to stay for a couple of weeks. He was enjoying getting to know Cameron all over again. It was strange because this was a different man. He couldn't help but wish they could never remember. Cameron would be devastated when he learned the whole truth. Killing their father was an accident but the courts didn't see it as self-defense. Even though years of abuse had prompted Cameron to finally snap, the jury didn't agree. Cameron had paid his dues but it had caused a rift in the family. Even though he had done them all a favor, it was still a life. When their Mom died, they wouldn't even let Cameron come to the funeral. I should have been there to protect the family but I was off living my own nightmare. Alcohol is okay in moderation, but when it's abused it is devastating on a family. Gary knew that first hand not only from his father but his own personal struggle. But he was here now. And he intended to help his brother. He just hoped that he would be around when Cameron did remember. It was going to be very difficult on him.  
  
Coming back from his walk he went up to their room, Cameron was sitting in the window seat.  
  
"Hey little brother, how was your chat with Amanda?"  
  
"Fine, she sends her best. I told her about remembering you at the airport. She was very happy."  
  
"I imagine she was. You know she really cares about you."  
  
"No, I don't know it, but I know it. And you have told me about a hundred times." Cameron said laughing as he pulled off his shirt to get ready for bed.  
  
"Well maybe not a hundred, but I am hoping you two can get back together." Gary said, laying down on the futon.  
  
"Let's take it one day at a time. But between you and me I hope I do remember. She certainly is beautiful. And to think I almost married her. I don't suppose you'll tell me what happened?"  
  
"No, not tonight." Gary really didn't want to get into all that. Amanda had told him she had avoided telling him also.  
  
"Well maybe sometime. Sleep well Gary, and I am glad you're here. See you in the morning." Cameron promptly fell asleep feeling confident that his brother was watching out for him.  
  
"Goodnight." Gary turned over and closed his eyes. He knew sleep wouldn't come easily, thinking about the baby, Josie and the whole Boca Lynda deal. He would take one day at a time; he had his own skeletons to handle.  
  
From the dark place in the center of his sleep he was having that nightmare again. He was sailing across the floor as his father picked Gary up and slammed him against the wall and started beating on his face. Cameron grabbed Tucker and hid under the kitchen table waiting for the nightmare to stop. His father finally knocked Gary unconscious and threw him aside. Cameron put his arm around Tucker hiding his face, shielding him from seeing Gary. He was lying on the floor, bleeding from his lip and eye. Mama was sobbing in the corner. They heard the door slam, telling them that he was gone. Cameron crawled out from his hiding place and ran to Gary. He shook him but he wouldn't wake up, he ran to his mother and tried to get her to go to Gary. She kept whimpering not seeming to hear him. She was bleeding from a gash on her cheek. Cameron went and peeked out the door to make sure his father was not on the porch waiting for one of them to come out. He didn't see him so he ran to the neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. Vincent. He knocked on the door hoping they were home. Mrs. Vincent came out and scooped Cameron up and hugged him to her but he remained stiff, unused to this kind of affection. He was crying and she told him that it would be okay that she had called for help.  
  
"Cameron, we have called for help, everything will be all right." she said as she sat on the glider with him on her lap. She brushed the hair from his eyes and wiped his tears away with her apron. She continued to rub his back as he regained his composure. "Can you tell me what happened?"  
  
"No-no-no. I was hiding, but Gary's hurt real bad." He said as he sucked in his breath to keep from crying. He wanted to stay here having Mrs. Vincent hold him. He had relaxed and felt safe.  
  
She continued holding him until she heard the ambulance pulling onto the street and she put Cameron down on the glider and told him to stay and she would check over at the house.  
  
"I want to go with you, please, I need to see if Gary's okay." Cameron tearing up.  
  
"Okay, but stay right beside me. Okay?"  
  
"Okay" taking her hand as they crossed the small strip of grass to their house.  
  
They went into the kitchen and Mama was still sitting in the corner staring at nothing and Tucker had his head in her lap whimpering. Gary was still where Cameron had left him. A tear escaped as she silently wondered how anyone could do this. She was blessed with a decent man and good children. She said a prayer for the Sinclair children and for their Mama. She took Cameron and Tucker over to her home as the ambulance and police came in and took over. She had told the police officer that she would keep the two kids until arrangements could be made. Cameron stayed on the porch while Tucker went in for some milk and cookies. He watched as the ambulance attendants brought Gary out on a stretcher. They were in the process of putting him in the ambulance when Cameron jumped the railing and ran screaming to his brother's side. "Gary, Gary, wake up, I need you."  
  
"Hey man, I'm right here." He felt Gary shaking his shoulder to wake him.  
  
He bolted upright in a cold sweat. "Gary, I had that dream again, I thought you were dead."  
  
"Well, I'm here and okay. Now tell me what happened. All that you can remember." Gary sat on the bed next to his brother who was still shaking from his dream.  
  
Cameron told him everything he could remember, this time not forgetting as he had so many times before.  
  
Gary shed a little light on that particular beating, their Dad had been angry because Mama hadn't gotten dinner ready and when he started beating on her, Gary went to protect her. But he got the brunt of it. That was the time when they were sent to foster homes. He talked about how difficult their lives had been. He was careful to avoid getting into the death of their father, and thankfully Cameron never asked.  
  
"I'm sure glad you were here. I hate these dreams. We had one hell of a childhood didn't we?"  
  
To himself Gary said you don't know the half of it. But to Cameron he said, "Yes, but we made it. You okay now? Any more questions?" Cameron shook his head saying "Thanks" as no more needed to be said. Cameron slid back under the sheet and closed his eyes. Gary went to the window and looked at the stars.  
  
"God, please help him to regain the memories, but help him handle it. Give him the strength to deal with all of this. Thanks." He finished his silent prayer and went back to bed.  
  
Weeks passed into months, it was now the end of October and Gary had returned home. Gary had been a great help in filling in the details though he had not elaborated on what had happened between them. So Cameron was still in the dark as to his participation in the breakup. Hopefully all those memories would eventually come. He was sad to see Gary go but knew he had been as helpful as he could be. The memories that Cameron was having were hit and miss. He remembered more of his childhood even though he was at a standstill concerning his life in Bay City. They said their goodbyes, and Cameron saw him off on the plane back to Bay City. They would keep in touch.  
  
He had gone back to work for Chuck who had him working in the office. He talked to clients and contractors and set up schedules as to where the workers would be. He was handling the job quite well and the pay increase was good, too. He continued to stay at Clara's and he and the Butlers were becoming like a family. He stayed in touch with Gary and Amanda. Gary was making plans to spend the Thanksgiving holidays with him.  
  
Amanda really wanted them to come home but Cameron had to work. She felt as though he was moving further and further away from her but she wouldn't give up. She had put her feelings aside and threw herself into working. The magazine was picking up in sales and the investors were happy. The magazine was on its way to being back to where it had been. Amanda had thought it would never happen. Matt had done a wonderful job in her absence, but it needed her touch.  
  
She was going to have to go to New York City for a publisher's meeting. Getting ready to gear up for the holiday issues of all the magazines. She really didn't want to leave home right now but this was important. It would only be a week out of her life and it was good to get insights from other publishers. She was packed and her ticket was waiting at the airport. She said goodbye to her Mother and Matt and took a cab to the plane.  
  
After take off, she settled into her flight. Looking out the window she let her mind wander, a luxury she hadn't allowed herself in a while. She thought of how just a year ago she and Cameron had been getting back together after Boca Lynda, with the promise of a future. She had put her feelings aside then, too. It had taken a lot to forgive Cameron sleeping with Josie. She had weighed the pros and cons of their relationship and she couldn't shake the way he made her feel. It was like their first meeting on the hill. She knew then that it was inevitable they should get together, fate. She fought against it for so long. Then the final straw with the discovery of the truth she had suspected for so long. A baby that had been conceived from a moment of desperation. It nearly ruined everything.  
  
It wasn't until Cameron was gone that she realized that she truly loved him, why she wasn't sure. Now if he would only regain his memory. They seemed to be star crossed from the word go. Maybe his accident was a way of protecting him from the memories. If only we all could be so lucky. He had had a life worthy of a little forgetfulness. She still had that file and looked at it the other day. Cameron's family had been tortured their whole lives from the disease of one person. Alcohol was so destructive; it ruined so many lives. The pain and abuse from Mr. Sinclair was more than anyone should bear. It gave her insight as to what made Cameron tick. Why he was always so willing to take the blame for everything. It was easier than risking your soul. He had had a lifetime of sorrow that just wasn't getting better. How she wished she could spare him, just a little. But that was not meant to be. Only time would measure how much happiness either of them would enjoy.  
  
Arriving in New York she took a cab to her hotel and went to freshen up. Her first meeting was in two hours and she needed to get her head back and focused. She spread out her papers and began organizing for the first of many meetings. Funny, how thinking about Cameron and their lives had been uplifting instead of being a burden. She felt refreshed in a way that had been a long time coming. Instead of running away from her memories she would have to face them and maybe they wouldn't seem so frightening. She felt she could face anything now.  
  
Back in Chicago  
  
Cameron went about his days working, and his evenings were spent on the window seat thinking about things he remembered and the dreams he continued to have. The one where Gary received that particularly bad beating, that sent him to the hospital. Social Services had taken the boys away and put them in foster care. Cameron and Tucker went to one home and Gary to another. It was disturbing to him because it was one more time that he wasn't in control. Eventually they were reunited after their parents had been in counseling. Life was good for a few months and their Dad was able to keep his job. Then he was laid off and he began to drink and life was hell once more. He never beat on them as before, but the verbal abuse was just as traumatic. He wished he could remember good things when they were kids but those seemed to be few and far between. They went on this way for a couple of years until Gary went to the police academy. They were getting older and their father pretty much left all of them alone. Just once in a while, on a real bender he would still knock them around. And it is at the point when Gary left for college that his memories stopped. A block, Dr. Jones said, something big must have happened and he was still unable to bring forth the memory.  
  
Cameron stood up and moved away from the window. Not feeling refreshed as he had hoped he would. He lay down for some much needed sleep. Between working and remembering, it was all very tiring. He wished it would all be done with. He turned over and went to sleep. Dreaming that dream again of Gary's beating and their mother whimpering in the corner. He didn't blame her, she had her own cross to bear, but it was still a helpless feeling. Morning came much too soon and he got up and showered, ate a quick bite and went off to the job site. Chuck had quite a large list for him to accomplish and he got right at it. Calling several contractors. Getting set up for the next project, he entered all the information on the computer. Saving the file he went out to lunch. He went to Callie's diner. He ordered and stared out the window trying to reflect on his life as it was now. He was neither happy nor sad. Lonely, maybe for what might have been. Callie put his meal in front of him and smiled. She could see he wanted to be left alone. Clara had kept her informed of his progress and how slow it was. She also told her of how he was awake most nights, for she could hear him pace. Cameron ate but did not taste his food. It was sustenance. He finished and left the money on the table and walked around the block. He looked at everything and nothing. Coming up the sidewalk was a woman with a stroller. As Cameron passed, the baby started to cry. At that very moment memories of his son, Amanda's pain, the killing his father, all the hurt, pain, and anguish that had happened over those months came flooding back. He dropped to his knees gasping for air. He knew he was causing a scene. He got up with the help of several strangers asking if he needed assistance. He waved them off and sat on a bench trying to gather himself up enough to get to his truck. Making his way back he sat for a long time trying to comprehend all that had just happened. He went back to the site and ran into Chuck.  
  
"What happened to you, Frank? You look awful." Chuck came over to where Cameron was standing.  
  
"Oh God, Chuck. I remember."  
  
To be continued.. 


	12. Chapter Twelve

CHAPTER TWELVE  
  
  
  
"Frank, are you okay?"  
  
"I need to go home." He said succinctly.  
  
"Sure, maybe you should call your doctor, you look terrible." Chuck was worried. He hadn't figured that Frank would take getting his memory back so hard.  
  
"I'll call later." Cameron said as he walked out of the trailer like a zombie.  
  
Chuck called Clara and told her and also to warn her. It would be hours before she got home. He might just run by the house to check on Frank. He wondered if Frank would go back to Bay City. Amanda would be happy. But all the same he didn't want to lose him. He had taken a lot of the responsibilities at work so Chuck could concentrate on other things. We'll take it one day at a time, he thought.  
  
Cameron arrived at the house and he went up to his room. Clara wouldn't be home for a while and he had to get under control. How was he going to handle all of this? He couldn't run away again. Realizing just what kind of a person he turned out to be was disheartening. He went into the bathroom to splash cold water on his face and neck. 'I guess having all this happen slowly was easier to handle.' He said out loud to the mirror. Looking at his reflection finally knowing who this was looking back at him. Cameron Frank Sinclair. Speaking his thoughts aloud seemed to put them in perspective. No one was home so he could yell and release some of this pent up anger. Pounding on the sink he continued his rampage.  
  
'I can't call Amanda; she'd want things back as they had been. Too much has happened. I'll have to handle that later, not now. Gary, I need Gary.' Staring at his reflection he didn't like himself very much. Thoughts ran rampant through his jumbled mind, touching on different things in his past.  
  
'My God, I killed my father. All those years in prison when I felt alone in the world. Not one member of my family got in touch. They blamed me for getting rid of that piece of garbage. I did them all a favor, but somehow they never saw it that way. I guess that's why I went to prison. No matter how he terrorized us, they still loved him. No one stuck up for me. I couldn't bring myself to feel anything for him. He was never one you could get close too. Even when he wasn't drunk he was sour to be with. What did Mama ever see in him? I guess you never know what attracts people to each other.' His anger was building all over again. Slamming the door to the bathroom, he paced his room, finally settling on the sill of the window. Staring at the trees and the sky he began to speak aloud again. 'I had never able to handle my anger well. Thanks to the help from the therapists in prison and those anger management classes, I can now keep these feelings in check.' Running his hands through his hair he continued to stare blankly at the world. 'How could I have even expected to fall in love? Put myself on the line? What was I thinking? I don't understand what made me think I could lead a normal life anyway. The best decision I made was leaving after Gary, Jr. died. I knew it was necessary to make a clean start. I always had a weakness for wanting to protect my family. Yes, that's why I left, to protect Amanda and Gary.' Pausing, he softly said, 'and myself. But now I'm intertwined back into their lives again. Oh God, please help me.' He sat down on the bed to get ahold of his nerves. 'Gary had been a rock during his visit, will he be the same now that I have my memory back? I'll just have to try. He's the only person who has been through it all with me. And he is the only one who can help me straighten out all of this.' Picking up the telephone he dialed Gary's number. 'Hello. Sinclair Investigations, Gary speaking.' After a long pause Gary said hello again and was just about to hang up when Cameron said, 'Hey Gary.'  
  
"What's wrong Cameron?"  
  
"What makes you think something is wrong?"  
  
"Well, I just talked to you Saturday night and it's not like you to call during the day."  
  
"Well, you see, I remembered some things and I need to see you. Do you think you could take a long weekend?"  
  
"Let me see, I'll ask the boss, Yup, he said I could take a few days, nice guy you'd like him." Laughing at his joke.  
  
"Thanks Gary see you soon. Bye"  
  
Hanging up the phone, Cameron lay down on his bed. He should have told Gary not to say anything to Amanda. He didn't want to see her. He thought back to the time in the hospital when he was unaware of who Amanda even was. He couldn't fathom how she could forgive him? How could she have come here knowing what she knew? He had loved her, but he made conscious decisions that hurt her, just to save himself and Gary, and even Josie. He didn't deserve her. Putting his arms over his face he fell asleep. Dreaming a jumble of dreams, none of which were pleasant. He woke with a major headache. It was dark and he could hear Clara downstairs, she was talking to someone. His feet hit the floor and the talking ceased. Chuck must be there.  
  
Pulling his shirt on he went downstairs. When he came into the kitchen they both looked his way and Chuck said, 'Hello Frank.' Clara got up feeling her way towards the doorway, put her arm around his waist and said, "I'm relieved, but I'm sorry the memories aren't pleasant. We had all hoped that getting your memory back would help you to find yourself again but Chuck said you just looked lost. Is there anything we can do? Can we call Amanda?"  
  
"No!" he said sharply. Then realizing they hadn't a clue to his reaction he softened and said, "I need more time. I called Gary and he is coming out for a few days. I didn't tell him I remembered everything. Just some things I need help with. I just don't know how I can face this. I went through it once but now things are different. They have forgiven me but I haven't forgiven myself. I just don't think I can. I know you don't know the whole story but the short version is that I hurt Gary and Amanda so terribly that I couldn't face living with their disappointment of me. I made conscious decisions to hurt them and lied to cover them. Amanda knew part of the lie, and then found out all of it, which caused our calling off the wedding."  
  
" Then Josie had your baby and Gary found out. And then Gary Jr. had a lot of difficulties and the poor thing didn't make it." Clara said causing both Cameron and Chuck to snap their heads towards her.  
  
'What" they said in unison.  
  
"Amanda filled me in on the whole story. The poor dear needed someone to talk to. She couldn't face her family with the truth. And she felt at ease with me. I was a disinterested third party."  
  
"Why didn't you say something?" Cameron asked.  
  
"How could I? You didn't remember and Amanda told me in confidence. She went through a bad time while you were in the hospital. She needed someone to listen and not judge.  
  
To be continued.. 


End file.
